Remembering Marlon

when i was just 15
i fell in love with this guy i'd seen
my heart would melt
from the way he smelled
thoughts of his smile
would run for miles and miles
through my mind
there was not a passing moment where i wouldn't be dreaming of us
but
my thoughts were that i repulsed
and disgust him
that
he was not interested
not even a little bit
because
i studied my imperfections
one by one
naming them the reasons for our missed connections
for days and days i analyzed
the err of my ways until i realized
i just wasnt good enough
staring in the mirror
at the one who always gave up
thinking
he would say hello
out of obligation
then quickly redirect his attention
to her or his homie
why
wont
he
just
love
me?
i sat sadly alone
not a queen on her throne
i
was
a
pitiful little girl who needed validation
to be held
because "attention" seemed to always be on vacation
i needed to feel included because
i was so sick
of my
self-imposed
annihilation
that was me as a child
you would think i'd grow out of it after a while
but you see
i grew accustomed to hating me
i was the best at it baby!
You are so pretty he'd say, with good intent
and even though it was a compliment
i was overcome with resentment
but say
thank you
followed by
why (if he only knew) he wouldnt be saying it
you are so nice she'd say meaning no arm
but i could feel goose bumps rising on my arm
but say
thank you
followed by
reasons i am not -- knowing she meant no harm...
like the directions on the back of a shampoo bottle
i ran threw most of my life full throttle
washing away the love i was given
rinsing away my chances of really living
re-applying self-pity by the gallon
lathering until the self-hatred stung
washing, lathering, rinsing and repeating
then i'd blame the world for this beating

smile he said with a smile
i
tried
but
quickly i digressed
i
cant
i said
my life is one big mess
i
have
nobody
i said
the ones i do have i regret
but
as
i
spoke the words he stopped me
and said this world wouldn't be with out me
just keep smiling
thinking
positively
stop thinking youre ugly
when deep down
you know you are
LOVELY
lovely because you are passionate
passionate about the world and those in it
in it because you never gave up
up because you can't be kept down
down because you are real
real as nature itself
I know his soul rests in peace
cuz i'm living with the ease
of knowing every word he spoke
left my spirit awoke
to the preciousness of life
many will approach me in strife
still, i am gonna be alright
keep fighting the good fight
he showed me my smile was cryptonite

rest in peace my dear dear sweet marlon!
(always your "escalade")